Threesomes

As a slut, I just want to spread my legs and fly. I gotta up that kill count, bro.

But threesomes seem like a pain. Even if it would give me dope stats.

If you ever hang out on DoubleList, threesomes abound. The internet is a wild frenzy of sexual experiences. Just boil boil, get yourself into trouble with every local pastor in a ten mile radius.

It seems to me that threesomes seem to want to give me more oral than I want.

Because I want zero units of oral. I want exactly no mouths reaching beneath the elastic of my comfortable-ass, cotton panties. Only dicks please.

I tried to explore any lesbian energy I had, and it turns out I had none of that (Check out my next blog for my story of the Milf-Dom). So most threesomes don’t even appeal to me.

I was offered a threesome a month ago, but I was on my period at the time. Both parties wanted to go down on me. I know I don’t like that, but I really really liked the idea of telling people I was in a three-way. Just to brag, just to don my powerful slut aesthetic – the leather boots and red dress that crush men beneath my objectification and scoff at aggression because it’s nothing less than domineering.

I was going to take them up on the offer, but I dug around inside myself, and I took some time to think about it, and found I was not excited about the idea. The prospect of letting these people shove their face between my legs for their own pleasure and none of mine didn’t appeal to me enough.

Plus it’s a safety hazard. Oral of any kind is a huge risk, even with a dental dam. And if there’s a dental dam or a condom, what’s the point anyway?

Here’s a list of diseases that can be transmitted through oral sex according to The American Sexual Health Association:

• Chlamidia
• Gonorrhea
• Syphilis
• HPV
• HIV (From the genitals, to the mouth, not from the mouth from the genitals)

So why would I take this risk I don’t even want to take?

I let it fade.

My most recent encounter with the concept of a threesome was when I went over to the boy down the street’s house for a hook up (even though I was on my period). He lives in his parent’s guest house, because that’s something he gets to do. He has his own house and still makes me stifle my moans. Listen, I’m only here to listen to myself moan. That’s 80% of it for me.

He’s really cute. His eyes look like a hidden valley ranch commercial. But his hands are a little unsure. I try really hard not to intimidate him because he’s a few years younger than me. We’re both over 18, but that doesn’t mean much. Things change so quickly. People evolve so fast at this stage of life, especially if they’re in college. But his hands still shake a little when he touches me, and he couldn’t get hard.

So I’m laying in bed with the biggest limp dick I’ve ever seen. (Like he should grow a Pringle man mustache to match his dick.) I can feel all my creativity drain from my body, and get replaced with intense striking anxiety.

My ex had a lot of trouble getting hard, and it would often cause a conflict. I do not like conflict with men, especially not over something that is their fault.

He’s trying to be sexy, so he asks me, “Is there anything else you could do to get me hard?”

And I said, “I could tell some John Mulaney jokes off the top of my head?” And shrugged sheepishly, wishing I had clothing on my body, wishing I had in a tampon for support.

In his thick accent he asks me if I’ve ever had a, “Freesome?”

“What?” I ask before I translate his accent a little. “A threesome?” My brows lift, remembering I should maybe text the Milf-Dom back about the gangbang she was planning for me.

“Yea, do you have any friends that would be interested?” He asked and I felt laughter like heart burn in my chest. I felt like I was growing a humor tumor in my brain and I was going to have to sneeze it out or be enveloped with demons and beez.

He wanted a threesome when he couldn’t even get hard for me. A ready female in his bed, wet and willing. 

“I have to go home. I don’t have any friends down here yet. Unless you wanna watch another dude fuck me?” I jumped out of bed.

One of my biggest slut tips: Wear a dress to every hook up. 

It’s one piece of clothing, easy to find, and a lot of the time you don’t have to take it completely off to get what you want.

So in conclusion, only do a threesome if it’s something you really want to do, and feel comfortable doing.

Be careful about sex, even if it’s just oral sex.

And if a boy can’t get hard, don’t invite your friend over to his house, unless you’re gonna bring a crew to roast him Jeff Ross style. Just bring a lot of limp licorice and whip him with it like a Wonka-Style Kangaroo Court.

Unless he has a beach house.

Ladies, just start adding “bourgeois-ass beach house” to your standards.

Remember to take a few minuets to hold still and remember where you keep your inner peace. Do art in honor of the people you love, and touch yourself like a lover would. Because You need to love you too ❤ ❤ ❤